5 things I've realized and accepted about myself

Hello everyone!

This post is very personal and not related to gal at all, but since my blog is my diary as well, I thought I should write it anyways.

The journey to self-discovery and acceptance isn't an easy one, specially when you were teached to hate yourself as it happened to me. Recently, I've been busy with that job because I got so tired of not fully acknowledging who I actually am. I took some surprising realizations from that.

1. I'm very motherly and I love children. I was made to believe that I have no skill at dealing with children or that there would be no way that I could be a good mother someday. It turns out that I not only love kids but that I'm gonna be an awesome mom at the right time. I absolutely adore looking at the children's sections at stores and daydreaming about buying all of those stuff to my own kid in the future, taking them to a walk in a sunny morning and having fun together. I'm hoping to become a mother of a little girl someday.

Also, have you seen baby feet??? They look like squishy tiny breads!!! I can't wait to have my own baby to squish their little feet!

2. I'm an introvert and that's okay. Finding out that I'm introverted was shocking. The stereotypes around introvert/extrovert don't tell what it actually means and I've always thought of myself as an extrovert. It turns out that being friendly and outgoing have nothing to do with extroversion, nor shyness with introversion.

I love going out with my friends and meeting new people, but nothing's compared to stay by myself and social situations are definitely not how I get recharged. Actually, it withdraws energy from me no matter how much I like it and I always feel like I NEED to stay a while all by myself right after.

Being absent from social media did me wonders and I'm keeping it that way. Society tells us since day one that being introverted is a bad thing, so it took me a few days to fully accept the fact. 

I'm outgoing, talkative AND introverted and there's nothing controversial or ironic about that.

3. We all have bad traits and it's alright. I used to believe that my "evil side" is a different person, like a personality aside from the real me. I tried to "kill" this "persona" but I made a catastrophic snowball instead.

Embracing your true self with all of your traits, the good and the bad ones, is much easier and healthier than trying to become a perfect human being. We all have good and bad things to say about ourselves and that's life.

I've learned that it's better being an authentic bad person than a fake and pretentious perfect one.

4. I'm afraid of males and that's not my fault. This is probably the worst topic for me but I've came to understand that I'm not a social failure for being nervous and anxious around men. My previous relationship and the men in my life wounded and scarred me and I'm not fully healed yet.

It's very hard for me to talk about this matter as getting married is my biggest dream, yet it's extremely difficult for me to approach the opposite sex. Romantic relationships are important to me, but I cannot get any closer to men due to becoming too anxious when I'm facing them.

I got bullied for looking like a scared clam around boys, plus it's very frustrating when you're someone who actually likes being committed. But I had to be kind to myself and accept for good that I'm not a dork, or broken, or a shame, or whatever they've called me in the past.

It's something I'm working on because I don't wanna live in fear anymore. I want to have a good time while I'm young, I want to be able to kiss someone again, to go on a date. I don't wanna be a scared clam anymore; instead, I want to show the world the beautiful and precious jewel in me.

5. I'm stronger than I realize. Looking back at the past five years, I can now see that someone weaker would not have survived. I used to think of myself of being weak and inoffensive, but I've both hurt people as a sharped knife and protected those I love as a steel shield. I'm strong and brutal AF, in both good and bad ways.

I'm still learning about myself but it's safe to say that I've walked a few miles already, and I'm proud.